What I've learned in my first year as a stay at home dad

4 months after I became Daddy Poppins I wrote a blog about the things I'd learned so far. So with just over a year gone what else have I learned...

  • Just before you leave the house is still the best time to poo.
  • Bathwater hasn't lost its delicacy status.
  • The joy of hearing Dada for the first time subsides substantially on the 45,671 time.
  • Hanging your 7 year old's pictures on the wall can make your 2 year old jealous.
see 'Exhibit A' 

see 'Exhibit A' 

  • "No thanks" is cute and polite the first time but extremely annoying when said straight after preparing the snack they specifically asked for.
  • If a toy is fucking annoying it's their favourite.
  • IPads only operate at full volume (or so I'm led to believe)
  • Following through on a threat is more bloody painful for you than the kids involved.
  • 'Me time' is still available (but only between 02:00 to 04:00)
  • Baby Shark do do de do do is the theme tune to your life now.
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  • The term "I've seen it all" doesn't apply to nappies.
  • There are 2 'birthday party seasons' in the year.
  • Strangely these seasons are 9 months after Valentine's Day and Christmas 🤔😱
  • Soft Play complex coffee tastes like rat piss
  • No matter what you suggest doing nothing is more important than watching someone on YouTube open one kinder egg after another.
  • The TV should always be showing cartoons, even if no one is watching. Don't believe me? Try change the channel.
  • Toys only become interesting again once you try tidy them away. (See: hundreds of pieces of Lego, untouched for hours) 
  • Routine is your 'frenemy'
  • When there's shit up the wall thinking of it as 'blog content' rather than 'nappy contents' will get you through
  • The world will spin off its access if 'Boppy and Bunny' aren't available at the correct times.
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  • The correct times change daily.
  • 20 minutes homework takes about 2 hours.
  • Theres nothing faster in the world than the cleaning style of a man who's wife has just text to say they'll be home soon.  
  • Playdoh is still evil.
  • Children will be 'hungry' and 'starving' until a healthy meal is produced.   
  • Hell hath no fury like a 7 year old with no battery life on his tablet.
  • No matter what clothes you choose, they're wrong.
  • Men are colourblind (see previous point)  
  • Kids can 'dirty' faster than you can clean.  
  • The term "Don't do that" will be followed immediately by a child 'doing that'.
  • Coffee is a now a food group.
  • Car journeys now consist of singing 'head shoulders knees and toes' and pointing out cows. 
  • You will find yourself pointing out cows when alone in the car.  
  • You'll discuss a child's bowel movements more frequently than you ever thought possible.  
  • Sleep is now an abstract concept.
  • Doing the weekly shop without your kids in toe is akin to a day in a health spa.  

And finally an unintiated hug or kiss from your child makes all the above bearable  

Have I missed anything? Let me know in the comments.