OPHELIA - You're breaking my heart

So the Bear had gone to her mothers with the kids for the day and Daddy P was settling into a nice little FIFA session. No kids. No list. Nothing. Just him. Alone. AHHHHH!!!

 

PHONECALL 1

The Bear: "There's a big storm coming!! Actually, it's a hurricane"

Daddy Poppins: "Yeah 😒"

The Bear: "Don't be so dismissive"

Daddy Poppins: "We live in Ireland, not Florida"

The Bear: "We need supplies; candles, torches, food, milk, water"

Daddy Poppins: "Grand Whatever, I'm trying to play the PlayStation here"

The Bear: "They're saying it'll be huge on the news"

Daddy Poppins: "They say lots of things on the news"

The Bear: "You need to take this seriously"

Daddy Poppins: "I can't pause this its an online game, See ya later"

So being a [good husband/under the thumb] (delete where applicable) Daddy Poppins heads off into town to get the required supplies (plus Wine and chocolate 😜).

He would like to point out that this definitely wasn't just an excuse to go get a burrito, telling the world it could be his 'last ever meal' and generally laughing at the Bear on instastories.

So he gets the supplies, (eats a magnificent burrito) and heads home. Job done👍. On goes the PlayStation and he's back in his 'happy place'.

PHONECALL 2

The Bear: "Have you seen the news?"

Daddy Poppins: "I'm trying to play the PlayStation, I've no time for 'news', fear mongering, that's all it is"

The Bear: "You need to go out to the garden and take in everything; chairs, benches, plant pots, bins, blah, blah, blah, blah..... sand pit"

*at this point Daddy Poppins had stopped listening (the lady's favourite films are disaster movies after all)

Daddy Poppins: "Wait a second! The sand pit? It's been uncovered for days in the rain. It'd take 3 people to move it"

The Bear: "Did you hear everything I said?"

Daddy Poppins: "Whatever! It's a bit of wind"

The Bear: "No, seriously!! Whatever you do don't forget to take down the trampoline"

*Daddy Poppins looks out at the bloody huge trampoline

Daddy Poppins: "FUCK off if you think I'm dismantling that thing"

The Bear: "It'll blow away"

Daddy Poppins: "Me Arse!, it's secured into the ground with big bloody pegs!"

Narrator: "You know he's going to regret that shit"

Daddy Poppins: "Not you again! You only pop up when crap is going wrong!"

Narrator: "I'm on a zero hour contract. They only call me in when they need me!"

Daddy Poppins: "When I make a fool of myself"

Narrator: "You said it, not me"

Daddy Poppins: "I don't care. I'm sticking to my guns. It's all crap. They don't have hurricanes in Ireland"

Narrator: "We'll see" *winks

*He's just a voice (a smarmy one at that) but I'm presuming he winked.

So I did the minimum... loaded most garden stuff in the shed, but the trampoline, Hell No.

Being a man I always think I'm right. It's an affliction. So to compound this affliction, I nailed my flag to the mast. Stuck my neck out.

*This tweet was sponsored by lots of red wine

So the morning came.

9:00

Current weather status: Nothing.

Current Daddy Poppins status: Hungover

 

10:00

Current weather status: Nothing, OK, maybe say, 'light winds'.

Current Daddy Poppins status: Hungover but smug.

Daddy Poppins: "Ya see Bear"

The Bear: "Its shifted away from us a bit"

Daddy Poppins: "excuses excuses"

 

11:00

Current weather status: Still 'pretty light winds'.

Current Daddy Poppins status: Still hungover and still smug.

Daddy Poppins: "Oh WOW!! look at that storm!" /end sarcasm

The Bear: "It's not due here till later"

Daddy Poppins: "Daddy Poppins reserves the right to say 'I told ya so' at a later date"

The Bear: "Talking about yourself in the 3rd person again, eh?"

 

12:00

Current weather status: Windy.

Current Daddy Poppins status: Hungover and no longer smug

Daddy Poppins: "It's just a bit of wind"

The Bear: "You should have taken down the trampoline"

 

13:00

Current weather status: Very Windy

Current Daddy Poppins status: 'Mmmmm, should that tree be growing at a 45 degree angle? Maybe I should have listened to that narrator'

Narrator: "I told ya so"

13:30

Current weather status: VERY VERY Windy

Current Daddy Poppins status: 'I'm going to be eating my words here'

The Bear: "The trampoline just lifted a foot off the ground"

Daddy Poppins: "Ah for Fuck Sake!!"

*goes out to check the pegs and take down the safety net (that's now acting as a sail)

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That would have been a much easier job yesterday, wouldn’t it
— The Bear, oozing smugness

14:00

Current weather status: Actual Hurricane!! (*Why didn't someone warn us?)

Current Daddy Poppins status: 'I'm never going to hear the end of this!'

The Bear: "ARGH!! LOOK AT THE TRAMPOLINE!!

*At this stage the trampoline is sideways against the back wall

Daddy Poppins: "Right I'm going to sort this"

The Bear: "It's not worth it"

Daddy Poppins: *mutters under breath "I'd prefer be dead than have to listen to the aftermath of that thing blowing away"

*So, Daddy Poppins goes out a second time.

How do you secure a trampoline in a hurricane?

Well, do you remember that sandpit that it'd take 3 people to move?

RRRRAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR

I might be wrong but I apparently have 'super human storm strength' 

I might be wrong but I apparently have 'super human storm strength

Still I suppose it could be worse:

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Daddy Poppins would like to thank his wonderful wife* for the lovely photos* in this blog and state for the record that she is always right* and that he was not in any way under duress* while making this statement #sendhelp

Till next time,

Daddy P.